a little reminiscing

           Looking back over the years, God's mercy is so clearly seen in my life. These days, whenever an opportunity arises to share my testimony of how Jesus rescued me, it feels as if I'm sharing about someone else's life... someone else's heartaches and pains... someone else's rebellion... but when it comes to the restoration, it's still as real as ever to my heart. Twelve years ago, this Friday, a little bundle of miracle was born. Her name, Aliyah, is what Jewish people do when they return to Israel. Her name signifies a return. It was so prophetic, at the time of her birth, that the only name her father and I could agree on was that one. It wasn't until I came back into relationship with Jesus that I came to understand the full meaning of it. For so many years before her birth, I was in complete and utter rebellion to God and anyone else that got in my way.  I have testimony after testimony of being sovereignly protected by God through that time and yet I still would not surrender my life. I remember the day that all that changed. I had a few pregnancy scares before because of my promiscuity, but this time I knew something was different. At the time, I had a live in boyfriend who had no idea how to be responsible and no desire to be responsible. Although I was willing to break every rule and rebel in almost any area, I never was able to get to the point of ever considering an abortion. I always had such a love for babies and children and felt that the biggest gift to anyone would be a child, even in my darkest days. I credit this to God because I didn't even have a value for my own life... how then could I value the unborn? The first night after I found out I was pregnant, I remember calling my mom... I was terrified at the thought that a little human was growing in my belly. I knew my mom's faith in God and her stance about premarital sex, but I was so scared that I needed her. When I told her that I was pregnant, my usually gentle and calm momma got stirred up to fight for the little one in my womb. She told me in no uncertain terms that if I wasn't willing and ready to live my life according to what was best for this baby, she would do whatever she could to direct me into giving the baby up for adoption. I didn't even know what it looked like to live for anyone other then me, but I knew I wanted to keep my baby. My mom made it clear what that looked like; fighting the status quo and swimming upstream when it came to parenting/nurturing/providing for my baby... compared to the community of people I was surrounded by at that time... Mothers who had upwards of 5 or 6 babies, literally just to get a few more bucks from welfare... or whose kids would run around in clothes several sizes too small so the moms could spend all that welfare on the latest styles and blow it at bars. God used my mom's words to really set a necessary standard for me. If it wasn't for that, I honestly know that I wouldn't be where I am today. It was a long process of constant struggle before I came into being what I consider a "good momma". I define being a "good momma" as being one who lays down her life daily to love, nurture, disciple, train her children. One who obeys scripture and instead of thinking "I have a better way to do it, a less painful way", instills the fear of the Lord in her children the best that she can. I have dearly loved my daughter from the moment I knew she was being formed but going from self seeking, independence from God and rebellion to being a mom that chose what was hard in order to love my daughter to the best of my ability definitely took time. Little steps and lots of grace from God, not to mention His mercy being new every day, is what fueled my journey and strengthened me to persevere instead of giving up on ever being the kind of mom that I really wanted to be (which I was quite often ready to do, especially in the beginning years of saying yes to Jesus).

         It's not always a positive thing to "reminisce" or stay focused on the past, especially if you have a crazy history like me, but sometimes remembering from whence God took you is a powerful way to have your heart humbled and brought closer to Him. I remember a couple years ago, during a sweet devotional time in the prayer room, the Lord showed me a picture. In it, I could see someone who I knew was me but didn't look like me. I looked like I had been beaten and I was laying in the gutter and it was dark and rainy. As I saw the picture, I heard my tender Father God say "I never gave up on you!". Wow, did that mess me up! I sat there crying for a bit, really wanting my heart to be impacted by that profound truth. He never gave up on me! Each year at my daughter's birthday, I try to remember some key parts of my life history in order to have my heart stirred up with gratefulness to the One who took me out of bondage and into His marvelous light (1 Peter 2:9). My daughter was a deep desire fulfilled and a perfect gift from the Father, she still is! She challenges me daily to "walk the walk" and stay humble, ready to apologize for wrongs done and ready to joyfully embrace the moments of childlikeness she inspires. It goes so fast. I see her already growing into such a beautiful young lady with such grace and beauty, not to mention a good sense of humor. She's my biggest helper and has been since Malachi was born. She's already really comfortable with cooking and knows how to take care of the home in every way I do. The past 3 years of homeschool have also been a gift. To be with my little girl almost every hour of every day is honestly amazing, contrarily to what many moms think. It's not too much and I rarely ever feel like I need a break. I lost so many years of being with her, I just want to soak it all in now. I'm so grateful to God that I get to, that my husband wants me to homeschool instead of being an extra source of income. God has truly been so good in answering my hearts desires. Happy Birthday to my little gift. amen.